My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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