I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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