i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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