I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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