I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
