8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
