I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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