I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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