I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You may now shotgun with the bride
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
BRING THE BAGELS
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
