Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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