I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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