she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
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