Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
