shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
it was like eating out sand paper
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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