checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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