Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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