He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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