turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
