Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
