he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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