that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
someone owes me an orgasm
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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