Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Every concussion has its silver lining
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize