I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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