Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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