So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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