if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
