I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
