Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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