I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
