I faked an abortion last night.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
