friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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