oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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