Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
