woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
