My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
