in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
