My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
