I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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