oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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