why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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