Umm I'm too high to move.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
