I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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