new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
