And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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