There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
