All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
