On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
