did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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