I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
