chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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