Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
