Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Randomize
