The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
