She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
