it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
